A bad notice

"Let's practice ways to give bad news and good news" I said to my students today.

They went throught the introductory vocabulary exercise:

Being promoted

Getting married

Suffering an accident

...

and then I asked them to tell me if they had experienced anything similar.

"Yes", said one, "I cut my finger at work I had to give Anna a bad notice!"

If I didn't know Anna is his wife I might have thought that he had fired her for cutting his finger off rather than telling her some bad news!

The most correct and effective order

When faced to unscrambling this in a test:

you / taking / Would / mind / me / station / to / the ?

not just one, but 2 of my intermediate students produced the following answer:

Would you mind taking the station to me?

Which is unarguably more practical than:

Would you mind taking me to the station?

Matrix, let me reload it!

Originally I meant to get my intermediate teens to do some drama in class and record a video for homework.
Damn me and when I want to be original! I've been thinking about this exercise for over a week now.

My line of thinking was:

- We are studying conditionals at the moment and one of the topics of the unit was: "What would you say if a friend offered you a cigarette?" Naturally the same applies to other substances...

- Besides I've recently implemented a new norm in the classroom concerning cell phone (they leave them on my desk on entering and collect them on leaving), and judging by their reactions (1. fidgeting 2. bad temper) they are all hooked to their smartphones.

I started with the simplest idea of using the pill scene in Matrix with a few changes to include more conditionals as fill in the gaps. I also wanted to add a 3rd character because I've got 9 students and that would make 3 nice groups of 3, with 1 girl in each.
This was the first draft:

Matrix: the pill scene

Morpheus is waiting by the window. Trinity brings Neo in.

morpheus

At last! Welcome Neo! As you may have guessed, I am Morpheus.

neo

(shaking hands)

It’s an honour to meet you.

morpheus

No, the honour is mine. Please, take a sit.

They all sit down.

morpheus

Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo

No, I don’t. If fate ruled(rule) my life, I wouldn’t be in control.

morpheus

I know exactly what you mean. But if it wasn’t (be) fate, what would bring (bring) you here?

neo

I don’t know… Trinity brought me.

trinity

If you didn’t have(not have) a special gift, you wouldn’t be here.

neo

What special gift?

trinity

Like a good hacker, when you see a rule, you would bend(bend) it.

morpheus

Exactly, if you play by the rules, the results are (be) predictable, which is what we need to avoid. But there is another reason why you’re here, Neo.

neo

If I wanted (want) to know what the Matrix is, would you be the right person to ask?

trinity

Morpheus has taught every one of us what the Matrix is. No one knows better than him.

morpheus

Unfortunately, that’s right. The Matrix is everywhere, it's all around us. You see (see) it if you look out of your window or if you watch your television. You feel (feel) it when you go to work, or go to church or pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

NEo

What truth?

trinity

That you are a slave Neo. That you were born into bondage, like everyone else... you are kept inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind.

morpheus

No one can be told what the Matrix is. If you want to see it for yourself, you’ll have (have) to make a decision.

Morpheus takes two pills out of the box.

morpheus

If you take the blue pill, the story will end (end)here. You’ll wake up (wake up) in your bed and you’ll believe (believe) whatever you want to believe. But if you take the red pill, you’ll stay (stay) in Wonderland and I’ll show (show) you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

trinity

If I were (be) you, I would take the red pill to know the truth.

Neo

What if I don’ (not like)the truth?

morpheus

I’m afraid, when you take the red pill, there is (be)no turning back.

trinity

You can be (be) free only if you know the truth, Neo.

Neo takes the red pill. Morpheus smiles and stands up.

MOrpheus

Follow me.

But then I thought: "Come on, this is too serious. Let's have some fun."
And Morpheus became a pusher, Trinity a latin girl who performs in clubs and chats up unexperienced boys just to take them to the pusher and get a share of the pills for free. The Matrix is a kind of extasy. Neo naturally doesn't have a clue what is going on, the only thing he gets is they want his Blackberry in payment, and that's the only reason why he turns the pill down.

This is the final draft my students will see tomorrow, after duly completing the gaps in the first script.

I had forgotten how much fun I used to have writing scripts!

Matrix: the pill scene

Morpheus is waiting by the window. Trinity brings Neo in.

morpheus

At last! I’ve been waiting for ages! Where have you been?

TRINITY

Come on, Morphy, don’t bug me! You know, this guy was hard to chat up.

morpheus

María de los Remedios de la Santísima Trinidad, if you call me Morphy again, not only I’ll use your full name, but you’ll never see another of my red pills in your life.

trinity

You are such a bore sometimes…

NEO

Ehm, I’m Neo, nice to meet you.

Morpheus

I know, it’s an honour to meet me, Morpheus, the King of Pills. How are you doing? Take a sit.

They all sit down. Morpheus plays with a pill box. Neo is uncomfortable and starts fidgeting with his Blackberry.

morpheus

Do you believe in chance, Neo?

Neo

No, I don’t. Whenever I have I good chance, I miss it.

morpheus

But if it wasn’t chance, what would bring you here?

neo

I don’t know… Trinity brought me.

trinity

Boss, you know I don’t take chances, unless I have it all worked out.

neo

What do you mean?! Take a chance on me?!

trinity

No, not at all! Do I look Abba enough? I mean.. worked out, calculated, I love Maths! Yeah, you know what? Morphy here was a Maths teacher before. But he quit because…

morpheus

What my friend María de los Remedios de la Santísima Trinidad means is that a performer like her is fascinated by anything scientific. Actually, I used to be an Algebra wizard.

neo

I see, so if I wanted to know what a Matrix is, would you be the right person to ask?

trinity

(giggling)

Morpheus has taught every one of us what a Matrix is.

morpheus

That’s right. Imagine: you could see a Matrix anywhere. You could see one if you look out of your window or if you watch your television. You could feel it when you go to work, or go to church or pay your taxes. Amazing, isn’t it?

neo

Why? If a Matrix is just a sequence of numbers, I only need a piece of paper and a pencil.

morpheus

(laughing)

My dear Neo, I could offer you much more than that, if you wanted to see one of my Matrices!

NEo

What Matrices?

morpheus

Don’t you ever feel that you are a slave, Neo? That you are the gadget and your Blackberry is your master? You are being played.

trinity

I’ve noticed that if you are nervous you play with it, that you keep checking your mail even if there is no reception…

morpheus

No one can be told what my Matrix is. If you want to see it for yourself, you’ll have to make a decision.

Morpheus takes two pills out of the box and shows them to Neo.

morpheus

If you take the blue pill, the story will end here. You’ll wake up in your bed with a terrible hangover and you’ll believe whatever you want to believe. But if you take the red pill, you’ll visit my own Wonderland and I’ll show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

trinity

If I were you, I would take the red pill. Such a trip you’ll never forget!

Neo

How much is the red pill?

morpheus

Your freedom… your Blackberry.

trinity

You can be free only if you leave your Blackberry, Neo.

Neo thinks about the offer, looks at his mobile phone and stands up.

neo

I’ll never leave my Blackberry.

I'm special because I like

When an unbearable 13 year-old girl would try anything to be in the spotlight, there is little a teacher can do. Then I thought of our politicians and I attempted bribery.

"If you can keep your mouth shut for the whole class, speak only English and only when asked to, I'll give you 50€" I meant Monopoly money, of course.
"But then we get 50€ as well for the same" Obsiously the other classmates protested. I hadn't thought of them but I took it in my stride:
"Naturally, I'll give you all 50€ if you behave, but whenever you speak Spanish or sing of insult somebody, 5€ less."

"That's unfair!" Shouted our Princess.
"Why?" I asked candidly.
"Because I'm special".

That was too much. FAAAAR TOOO MUCH. A riot started among the rest of the class. "We are all special! We are all different!"

I silenced everybody and I paused emphatically to walk up to her. She shrunk back in her chair, halfway under her table. That was already quite satisfying to me, but I wasn't through yet.
"And may I ask you, since you are sitting in a class just like other students, why you are so special?"
"Because... I like!"

"Because you like IT, uh?" I corrected.

"Porque me gusta. Porque me gusta ser diferente." She reverted back to Spanish at a loss for better words.
For a fraction of a second I forgot that I had been wishing to slap her face since I had met her. I simply pitied her. She must have felt insignificant after her younger brother had been born (byt the way, he's in the same class). She would go to any extend to stand out and be loved.
Then she started laughing hysterically at my face and talking to somebody next to her, while I was still leaning on her desk.
Then I remembered that I would have given anything to slap her face.

Incredibly she tried her best to stick to the 50€ deal during the class, at least until I accidentally erased everybody's score from the board 20 minutes before the end of the class.
How stupid of me!
The spell was over.
She was outraged: "¡Joder, siempre lo mismo, hostia puta!"
I had wiped clean all her effort, even though they were merely numbers on a board representing Monopoly money.
I had to send her out for a minute, her language had been too offensive, but I really felt sorry. It had been my mistake in the first place.

At the end of the class I asked her to wait for a second after the others had left. I congratulated her on her passing the test the previous day and on making an effort to improve her attitude. I had glimpsed something of a spark in her and I had to kindle it to make it grow into a lively fire. I had nothing to feed it upon, just a sweet, and I gave it to her.

It made all the difference. In her eyes, she had been given a prize nobody else had received! In the end she managed to prove herself special!

Happy, gotcha!

Since happiness is something that comes and goes without asking, I'm rarely aware of any blissful moment in my English classes. I never ask myself if I'm happy teaching, it's just my job, it pays my bills and I try to do my best. Enjoyment is simply not in the contract. But today I stopped for a second, wondering what one of my students was seeing in me and asking myself if he wasn't right after all.

I've got to give a little background first. At the beginning I was quite reluctant to teach a class of 5 year-old boys at 5 pm. Not that I have anything against number 5, a part from the fact that I can't stand Channel n.5. It was because that class was a bunch of restless hockey players who are buddies in the same team and everywhere else. It was because they had driven another teacher mad and their register was full of notes about kicking and biting. I had been given a mission: taking them back on track, no matter the violent fights, no matter the fact that the director's son is in there too. Just keeping them safe while I spoke some English to them would have been enough.

When I first set foot in there, it was in the middle of November, halfway through the term. Their books were anywhere but in their folders. What's worst, their first term booklet had already been finished, the activity book too, and they still didn't have a clue about the animals in the zoo or the basic emotions. I couldn't touch the second booklet and even the resource pack was useless. The cd-rom was pitiable.

I forgot about the teacher's book and I completely relied on my (survival) instinct to build a routine and something vaguely resembling a discipline. Gradually they have got used to a score system in which they get a star everytime they do something well, be it an exercise or simply helping out in class. They have got used to losing stars whenever they misbehave. Now they obsessively compare their scores even if they can barely count up to 10.

They have got used to leaving their bags and their coats in a corner as soon as they arrive. They know that they are going to play 2 games, chase and memory, maybe sing a song, read a couple of pages from a book, write or draw on a couple of worsheets and that's it. They know their routine and that makes them feel immensely confident. They know what to expect and what I expect of them.
It's amazing the way we rely on routines to give us a sense of comfort from a very early age, only to try and escape from them when we get older.

At the beginning of the class they sit down at a little table and wait until I call everyone's name asking: "Are you here?" They soon started replying: "Yes, I'm here!". Recently they have added me too at the end of the list, which I find rather sweet, and they are also learning to ask me: "Lisa, are you here?" and they immediately answer: "Noooooo!" before I can say anything for myself. But something tells me they don't really mean it.

The second thing we always do is playing a chase game in which they have to touch the flashcard I call out before I catch them. "Lisa says I like tigers" and I roar running after them, who scatter in search of the right picture on the wall. "Lisa says I'm under the roof" and one day some kids remembered that the week before we had pretended the table was a house and then they decided they could as well hide underneath instead of touching a flat flashcard.

Then the strangest thing happened. "Lisa says I'm happy" and one kid today thought that he could as well go for the real thing and jumped to touch my face.

At first I didn't understand, I assumed he needed attention, I laughed and I tried to shake him off. But then I understood. He was repeating "happy" and pointing at my face. He meant to say I looked happy to him.

And then I realised I was really feeling happy, not just drilling the word into their little heads, not just pretending and putting up a face. Something clicked and I started laughing at myself, stroking the jumping child's head.
In spite of my assuring to everyone who wants to listen that I can't stand children, in spite of my aspiring to a thousand other jobs rather than teaching , in spite of my having become a teacher by mistake, working for an unknown school in an unknown village, in spite of everything, the kid was right.

Right there I was happy, I was having a good time playing chase with a buch of restless hockey players. Gosh, I discovered I could be a happy teacher!